Chemistry

Rebecca had a fascinating post about Chemistry in friendship. When and why it works or doesn't, despite your attempts to predict or make it happen with a certain person.

Here are some of my observations on the subject...

I am drawn to relationship patterns I have a handle on. I got along great with Bob at my last job. Bob and I shared an office. Bob was older, set in his ways, and off-beat. People asked me how I could stand to be around him. I had to think long and hard to pinpoint it, but after a while, it occurred to me that Bob had the same personality quirks that belonged to my dad. The things that drove other coworkers crazy were either easy to tune out or endearing and familiar to me.

Soapbox support goes a long way. If I am crazy into something, and someone else is crazy into it, too, then that's all we really need to enjoy hours of crazy conversation about our favorite topic. I'm more willing to listen because what they have to say is interesting to me. And I feel like they listen to me for the same reason. To have someone else actually really listen to you, that is a powerful chemical force, even if it's just about shoes.

Sometimes working together can help you get along. When I was a newlywed and they first changed my visiting teachers, I cried. Because, somewhere, on some level, I knew that my ex-visiting teacher wouldn't be my friend in the same way anymore. And she wasn't. We grew apart without the glue of a calling to hold us together. After all these years, I don't cry over releases anymore, but I do know the power of working together, and get excited when I am assigned to work with people I've always been curious about.

There is also perspective. Wave lengths. Being in sync. Do we believe the same things? Do we both want the same things out of life? And do we both have the same rules for the universe, what is allowed, acceptable, decent, etc? Sometimes I meet a stranger and it is like we are reading each others' minds. Other times, everything that comes out of their mouth is like a foreign language, and when I talk, they don't look me in the eye, and then quickly change the subject. It could be, 'wow, that's how I feel, too.' Or it could be, 'I can't even remotely agree with anything you just said.'

Friendship is about religion. Culture. Politics. How you were raised. And it is about how you feel about your religion, culture, politics, and how you were raised. It is subtle and unpredictable. Common ground pops up when you least expect it, fails you when you were counting on it, and shifts under your feet when you assumed it would always be there.

But mostly it is about reaching out. Sometimes it is easy, fun, exciting. Sometimes it is none of those things. Sometimes friendship is not about chemistry but rather about just being there for somebody else when they need you. Even if the sparks aren't flying.