Apologies

Does love really mean never having to say you're sorry? What are you really doing when you apologize? And why do we need someone to say their sorry or apologize so badly?

I see a lot of parents tell their kids, "You say you're sorry right now! And this time, you'd better mean it!"

This irks me. And makes me wonder if people who grew up like that are the ones who believe in the old adage, Love means never having to say you're sorry, because their idea of sorry is so completely skewed by social mandates, and not by genuine thoughts and feelings. I do believe that love means being able to dump meaningless social mandates. It just makes me sad that some parents have turned apologies into one such mandate.

The original meaning of the word apology had nothing to do with saying you're sorry. The original Greek apologia meant a speech in one's defense. The old English sense of self-justification eventually morphed into a frank expression of regret for wrong done by the eighteenth century.

The big problem some people have with apologizing is they have a history of feeling forced into claiming mistakes that they genuinely don't feel they've done. It feels like a lie, a compromise of the self for the sake of others, an injustice for the sake of peace. And, after a while, one can only take so many injustices against themselves for the sake of peace before their self-worth crumbles or indignation explodes.

I'm also a big believer that happiness is grounded in increasing authenticity. If we feel we are lying with every apology, it's a step backwards in being authentic and open.

During the first few years of knowing my best friend, it used to bug me every time I would complain about something and in response, she'd say, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," I always corrected her.

"I know," she said. "I'm just sad for you. That's what I meant."

It became apparent that I didn't know the real meaning of the word sorry. It comes from the Old English word sarig, which means distressed, full of sorrow, or in mental or physical pain. Only since 1834 has an apologetic sense been tagged onto the meaning.

I like remembering the subtle differences between apology and sorry when patching up a relationship situation. I feel free to express sorrow for all sorts of things without feeling that blame or accountability are attached to them. I'm sorry all this happened. I'm sorry you got hurt. I'm sorry I didn't do it differently. I feel all this sorrow for the situation.

What good does expressing sorrow without accountability? It's a tie that can bind you back together. There's a reason we're supposed to mourn with those that mourn. Pain is more endurable if others admit similar emotions in reaction to the same circumstances. Our pain feels understood, validated, and normal. We can connect to the other person through not only a shared experience but also a similar reaction to that circumstance.

Is shared sorrow without accountability enough? Well, sometimes I think that would be nice. But, for the sake of future similar events, there needs to be an action plan to avoid repetition of mistakes. And, in order to do that, somebody has to admit the part they played needs to change the next go round. There are times when you look long and hard and discover that changing behavior wouldn't save you from the same problem again, in which case blame is pointless and actually harmful to people's sense of serenity.

One thing I have learned over the years is the secret power of accountability. If something happens and I think it's not my fault but someone else's, I am a victim and powerless to do anything to change it. I hate being a victim and don't want to be helpless if I can help it. So I have started looking for my own contribution in any unpleasant situation. When I find it, I grab hold, show it off, and publicly claim it as my own, expressing sorrow and intent to change it. This action makes me feel powerful, helps me find and know myself, and reassures me that I have some control in the universe and some control over my fate. Apologizing is an empowering action if done right. In this way, it is much like forgiveness. You think it's for the other person, but really, it's for your own mental benefit.

Why do we so badly want a sorry or apology from the other person? We want the sorry because we feel like they don't understand our pain. We feel disconnected from them. We want them to open up to us emotionally and form their half of the bridge of connection.

Same thing with an apology. We don't want this sort of thing to happen again, and we want them to claim some or all of the blame, so they'll take the initiative in preventing it in the future.

But what happens when they do? If they express their sorrow, do we open up and do the same, or do we remain closed off and aloof? Did we really want to connect with them, or did we just want to see them suffer for what they did to us?

If they offer an apology, do we dig deep, self examine and do the same, or do we leave all the culpability on their shoulders? If there is something we could have done differently, would we rather have the other person take more responsibility than they can handle and not fix the problem next time? Is our perception as innocent more important than a follow-up success?

And what happens when they don't? They don't express sorrow and they don't take any responsibility? This is trickier. If you don't care about the person or the relationship, you might just end things between you and walk away. What if you aren't ready or able to walk away? I read an article in Oprah once about when it's healthier to not forgive, but rather to protect yourself. The article spelled out ways to tailor and limit your relationship with those emotionally devoid and unrepentant people purely for your own mental health. If it's a person you care deeply about and hope for their emotional growth, you don't want to walk away, and you don't want to permanently limit your relationship with them. Instead, you can forgive as you have ability to do so. If your intent is to help them grow this way, you can expend your extra emotional energy by sticking your neck out every once in a while and giving them another chance.

Share what saddens you about the experience, then ask them if there is anything about the situation that saddens them, that they wish hadn't happened that way. Share your regret and mistakes and what you plan to do differently. Ask if they have any regrets, and, if they do, what they think they'd want to do differently next time.

Saying I'm sorry can connect two people through emotional experience. Apologizing can empower a particular person. Walking away from those who don't get it can keep you emotionally safe. And sticking your neck out for those you love might inspire them to dig deep and open up.