getting unstuck

I have recently been thinking a lot about being stuck. Stuck in a loop of thought, stuck on a certain habit, stuck with an insatiable craving. These stuck moments can lead me to stay up well into the night thinking about something over and over, trying to figure it out so I can just go to sleep. It can also mean I eat the same cheddar turkey spinach and tomato on bagel sandwich almost everyday for eleven months in a row (mmm, I'm craving one now). It can mean when I am into a really good book, it takes herculean effort to stop in the middle for the sake of eating, sleeping, or even going to the bathroom, not to mention being a responsible mother (which is why I can't read good novels in good conscience more than once a year).
I recently read Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, by psychiatrist Daniel Amen. And guess what? I am stuck on this, too. It is absolutely fascinating to me and it's all I can think about. The irony is of course that this book talks about the part of the brain that causes you to get stuck: The cingulate gyrus.
The cingulate gyrus is the gear shifter of the brain. It allows you to jump from topic to topic, from view point to view point, to go with the flow, to be flexible in habits and in ways of thinking. A person with a normal cingulate gyrus is easy going, open to new ideas, understanding of other people, enjoys doing things a variety of things in variety of ways, experiments, branches out, cooperates, adapts, etc.
It is important to note that an overactive cingulate leads to addictions, anything from computer time, to gambling, to alcohol, to shopping, and for me, even sometimes reading. Your brain is in am infinite compulsive loop that says, just one more website, just one more drink, just one more purchase, just one more round of cards, and for me, just one more chapter. The addicts thought is, this is the last one, after this, I'll be good. But then the cingulate jumps in and starts the thinking all over that one more is needed before you stop, and thus you never do.
If you have addictive personalities in your family, know that there is speculation of a genetic trait towards this problem. In my family, there are alcoholics all over the family tree. And it seems to be a black or white condition. Either a relative is fine and never had a problem, or they struggle all through their life with being addicted with anything and everything.
Overactive cingulates also lead to obsessions, especially worrying. You can't shake certain thoughts. They keep coming up again and again. What if something went wrong? Do they hate me? Will I lose my job? These are normal fears, but the cingulate takes them and plays them over and over so you have to confront and soothe them over and over, instead of just the first time.
Maybe it is obvious by now how OCD comes into play. Obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are things you do or think over and over. For instance, you might obsess that there are germs on your hands. You can't stop thinking about it, even though you know it is normal to only think about germy hands on rare occasions, like when you have to wash the toilet with only a washrag and you lost your rubber gloves. But some OCD people think about germs all the time and can't shake the thoughts, and often even realize they would be fine and happy without these thoughts, and wish their brain would just shut up already about the germs. The compulsive side is when they have to wash their hands to feel better and soothe the thoughts in their head. It works for a short period of time, just like one drink makes an alcoholic feel better for a few minutes, but is never enough. You have to do it over and over again. You can't stop.
Perfectionists have over active cingulates. Instead of just one more drink, or one more hand washing, they think, just fix one more flaw. People with road rage think "that jerk cut me off" over and over until they are livid and out of control. Alcoholics can't handle stress when sober, germ-a-phobes can't handle being dirty, road ragers can't handle bad drivers, and perfectionists can't handle things not being perfect.
So what can you do if you have obsessive thoughts or compulsive habits? Most of us don't get stuck so bad we need medication. The rest of us an simply use techniques.

1. distract yourself. You find yourself getting stuck in a loop, and you go do something completely different, sing a song, meditate, take a walk, do a chore, play with a pet or get involved in what someone else is doing. Then come back to it later and see if you can stay loop-free.

2.Stop and think before you automatically say yes or no. Give the rest of your brain a chance to decide what is best for you and what fits in with your long term goals. If you always say yes to the pta president and always say no to your kids, you aren't really following your conscience for each instance. Take ten seconds, think about what is best, then answer.

3.Write it out (like I'm doing here...haha! I feel freer already). This is great if you can't go to sleep because your brain keeps replaying a problem. Write down the problem, like you fear a layoff. Then list out the things you can do, perform better, be a team player, show off your best work to get noticed. Then list what you can't do: make your boss like you, want your job more, change the outcome by worrying more, etc. I also think this will work in what you are trying to understand and figure out by listing out what you understand and what still perplexes you. Having it written out gives your brain permission to put it on the shelf for a while.

4.Get advice. Imagine you are a hamster and your brain is the wheel and you can't stop running because the wheel won't slow down. A wrench you can throw in the works is someone else's point of view (if you are looking for it and it is not offered unasked). Then the hamster can go and do other things, like eat and chew up wood chips. Unasked for advice is like an unwelcome interruption to your precious hamster workout; the hamsters reaction is to bite and resume running. But you're the kind of hamster that really wants to stop running, there is nothing like a little outside perspective to slow that wheel down.

5.Recite: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

6. Diet and exercise. Certain foods increase serotonin and make you more flexible and open minded. Carbohydrates like pasta, bread, and popcorn. Or foods rich in tryptophan, such as turkey, salmon, peanut butter, eggs, green peas, and milk. Exercise calms worries and makes you more flexible mentally. Tryptophan is a small amino acid that promotes an easy going temperament, but it is often crowded out of the brain by bigger amino acids. Exercise is like initiating a football game during recess; the big kids go to play on the field and the shrimps finally get their turns on the swings and monkey bars. You're most flexible when the shrimp gets his turn on the playground.

And what do you do if you live or work with such a stubborn willful person? They go on and on about their soapbox. They stop listening to anything you say, especially if you are being reasonable. They dig in their heels. They get what my mom calls a case of the "yes-buts." Sometimes they even make outrageous claims just to avoid admitting their original line of thought might have a flaw.

1. Attack, retreat, and change the subject. Say what you want to say in one sentence as short as possible, then contradict yourself and then let it go. "Maybe you're failing in school because you're friends think being smart is uncool and you don't want to lose them. Actually, never mind, that probably has nothing to do with it. I'm hungry, do you want a muffin?" What does this do? This gives the rest of their brain a chance to absorb what you've said and seriously consider it without the cingulate taking over. Talking too long, failing to contradict yourself, or failing to change the subject will allow their cingulate to get stuck in contradicting you.

2.Use reverse psychology. Reverse psychology works on people with overactive cingulates. But be sneaky by acting nonchalant, indifferent, and completely accepting of your proposed opposite. "You probably don't feel like giving me a hug, going with me to the store, helping me with this chore, get dressed by yourself, etc." Or "You probably can't get it done by Thursday, or without getting upset, or by yourself." If you do this right and nothing else stands in the way other than just plain stubborness, you'll get the reaction you want.

3. Give options. Nothing makes a stubborn person dig their heels in more than someone else trying to tell them what to do or what is best for them. They will do things contrary to their own happiness just to prove you wrong. So give them two or more choices and make sure you show no preference whatsoever for any one of them. "For our fast food dinner, what do you think of Arby's or Wendy's or McDonalds? Those all sound good to me."

4. If your kid automatically says no more often than yes when you ask them to do something, these rules can help: 1. Do what mom or dad says the first time 2. no arguing with the parents. As a parent, it is important to intervene and enforce consequences without reminders or warnings (because a cingulate-crazy kid will need more reminders or warnings than you are capable of giving without losing your temper), and even more important is to carefully choose your battles, letting most little stuff go so you can save your energy for the tantrums that are likely to ensue when you stand your ground on the important stuff. Explain to the kid that their opinion is important and they are free to express it once. Repeat back what the child told you so they feel heard, "Sounds like you are tired and don't feel like cleaning up your room. Please do it anyway." But tell the child that more than two times is technically arguing and you won't put up with it. For example, "You have two choices. You can clean your room now, or you can take a time out and then clean your room. I don't really care which one you pick." This kind of parenting usually works best when the child is emotionally bonded with the parent and feels like the parent loves them and therefore does this in their best interest.

When I told a friend of mine that I had control issues, she said, "Who doesn't?" And while not everybody has them, many many do. Any given family is likely to have somebody with a drug, alcohol, smoking, gambling, or even shopping problem. And any given person is bound to either have these issues or be frustrated by someone they have to interact with who does (or both). I'm struggling to let go and be more moderate in my life. It is an ongoing process.